Sometimes things are not what they seem on social media. Sometimes in order for me to move upward, I have to first hit rock bottom. I’ve seen this reflected in my climbing, my diet and health, my career goals and even in friendships or relationships. My theme of 2019 was tainted sourly by a feeling of surviving each moment and just pushing through to the next, rather than being able to work towards any particular goals. My life reflected a lack of structure and a cloud of chaos hung over each month, the future nearly always uncertain.
The curse of the nomadic millennial can be a unique one. Without a job tied to an office or a mortgage tying me to a city or even country, I am a free person. I have no car payments, no major responsibilities, and most of all no home.
The world at my fingertips – most would find this a blessing. But when I came back to America a little over 2 years ago now, it felt more like a curse. My wanderings and lack of direction disguises itself as adventure. I was seeking that which my nomadic life had not given me, but also never promised: I wanted roots, a connection to a place, a structure, a true home.
This was the cusp of January 2018 when this all began, and resurfaced in 2019 when health and family issues kept me unmoved. So a year has passed, which felt like a year of questioning than a year of movement, development and planning. I became tied to Las Vegas when the Natural Order sent me a blessing of a hard reason to go to a city. I’d just been robbed and had few possessions left. I needed to stay put and work, plus I’d promised a friend I’d meet them in Vegas. And so became my reason for being, but it was a reason outside of myself and my own true desires. Despite this knowledge I stayed, clinging to this temporary grounding, yet with a restless aching to leave. But the burden to make a choice for myself was far too frightening to take on.
In the past I’ve found that climbing was often the answer to coping with life. I found it a stress relief, a place to find friends, a place to find adventure and nature. But somehow climbing had morphed into something that brought me stress, isolated me from friends and made me calloused to appreciating nature.
I’ve been asking myself great questions for the entire year:
Where should I go?
How can I get back on my career path?
What do I want to do in life?
What does climbing mean to me?
Will climbing continue to be a part of my life in the same way?
In December I saw the end of the year coming and asked what do I have to show?
2019 brought hardships to my family, tragedy to my friendships, and interruption to my health. I lived 2019 in a temporary state, a purgatory, a never ending in between. In the days that have passed I have not accomplished many things. I felt only that I was fighting to return to a former self, than progressing forward.
I was aiming to recover what I’d lost of my own and the universe’s will. This naturally filled me with bitterness and frustration. I made changes. I quit my job, I moved 3 times. I travelled even more. I took on new jobs. I made new friends, lost some old ones. I wavered between quitting climbing and training hard, only to face the frustration that comes with any time off in our demanding sport, enough to make me want to never return. But in a conversation, a friend pointed out to me that I had a pattern, of quitting something when I’d been doing it for 10 years – a thought that had not crossed my mind before. The reason was always the same, it was too hard to improve, so I simply gave up.
It’s true we can build a lifetime trying to gain something only to loose it in a moment. But this is true of all things not just climbing, so why be resistant to the demands that climbing asks? To be good means that one is truly dedicated, not only when one feels the strong pull, but when one also doesn’t. Being truly great does not reward the lazy runaround unable to commit.
I decided this year I don’t need climbing in my life and this was rewarding. I can find joy and purpose in many other things, climbing is not everything to me, and this gave me freedom. But I am the type of person that is dedicated and disciplined.
As the risk of sounding maudlin at this point, this year was something I hope to forget the details, but remember the lessons. New things started but mostly things ended and brought so much change. Riddled with trying to remake a life that I chose to loose and also to start a new life that has few boundaries and wavering ideals, paper-thin goals and no direction.
I’m not typically a fan of holidays but I am happy once for the symbol of the new year in order to try and start over. This ritual, for some reason, does give me a renewed energy, even if false, to work towards things that I couldn’t muster the drive to do before. Maybe this time I can push past my 10 year mark in climbing and actually try, with the risk that I will have no reward, but remembering that I am probably stronger than I think. I must make my life less about the reward and more about living things as for today, motivated by growth and the progression of process. I look forward and I see in my future a new place, a beautiful place. I set goals of seeking friends, communion, relationships. A goal to think of others instead of myself, to draw my focus outwards, in order to heal what’s inside. And remembering to protect myself and my desires but this comes with discipline, and introspection rather than selfishness. Social media can teach us to only see things through our own eyes, so my desire is to look out and see more, to grow and to improve, however small the advance, to not give up, to be consistent, and to find the courage to change and move into the next year.
This blog is supported by FRE. Try their wonderful outdoor focused skin products 25% off here: https://www.freskincare.com/ALICEHAFER1
alicehafer 